5X15 at the Tabernacle. Howard Jacobson and the Booker prize.

How do you humanise a writer?

 

Photo: Christopher Scholey:

 http://www.christopherscholey.com

In Howard Jacobson's case you give him (desevedly) the Booker prize then get him on the stage at 5X15 at the Tabernacle a couple of days later.To a layman such as myself; I am not a 'completist' of the Jacobson Canon by a country mile, Jacobson came across as a Man pleasantly surprised by the award and pleased as punch to boot... A joy to listen to and an incitement to buy his books.


5X15 have got it right; 5 literary types are each given 15 minutes in which to talk, not read but talk to (from what I could see) a healthy looking knowledgeable audience.  15 minutes is spot on; short enough to leave you wanting more but not long enough to allow for waffling induced boredom. The auditorium at the Tabernacle is the perfect venue in being neither too small or too large with a sense of being somewhere special.


Jacobson was preceeded by Rachel Johnson, Alexander Masters, Diane Athill; an absolute delight and Alex Bellow; a sum greater than his parts (this is a very clever joke designed to get me invited to take part in 5X15) talking about numbers and keeping every ones attention, even at the back!


5X15 is a regular event at The Tabernacle and a high point in the calendar.

Virtual Factory press release for Turf Freinz.

Due to the hijacking of Virtual Factory I no longer have any say.  I wish the guys well and hope they can avoid unscrupulous types trying to make money out of them.


http://virtualfactoryone.blogspot.com/ 

Virtual Factory

http://virtualfactoryone.blogspot.com/  Check it out for a low down on the low down.

Rotten Hill Gang - City of Cold Steel

O.K.

 Ok. I start my blogs with OK quite often. but what does it mean?


OK. Hey Ho let's go; I got that from the Ramones back then and I'm old enough to remember the Ramones back then when they were alive and alive enough to remember me.


Ok. I am going to take time out.   Enough.

Cassetteboy vs The Bloody Apprentice

Not so Rotten Hill Gang and the West Born.

What a Day!  (I nicked that from my director who nicked it from a Robbie Williams song); Filming on the streets of Notting Hill with cameraman Gordon Anderson and  Farah Damji. Farah turned out to be an unwelcome arrival in my life and is no longer involved in any of my projects.


Then on to Powis Square W11 for an afternoon of music courtesey of  Pink Cigar and the delightful West Borns; who are certainly destined for greater things and considering their ages, something in the region of 13 years, have plenty of time, plus the debut of Gus Robertson and Johnny Borrell's new band topped by the irrepressible Rotten Hill Gang who were on great form.

                                          Rotting Hill Gang

I spotted Christopher Scholey; general manager of the Tabernacle, out in the crowd with his camera.

                                          Christopher Scholey


There again it was a pretty Notting hill rock n roll type thing all round.

Honesty.

'Sometimes'. said Jan by telex this evening. 'sometimes you just have to be honest. Even if it hurts'.


Listening to you feed me this bullshit is hurting Jan. I thought.


But I am too tired to do anything other than tell the truth today, I cannot pretend, I cannot lie:


I spent the day being filmed and interviewed for a viral press release.  We had lunch courtesy of the Tabernacle (always a treat) followed by a well earned siesta. The evening was spent cooking for a good friend (a rare treat up in the garret) and a telephone conversation with a Californian turf dancer friend.  How cool is that.


O.k. said Jan when he called back. No one is going to believe that.


Lie for their sake.

Turf Feinz can RIP me any day.

I have posted this, have gone against all of my principles and policy purely to demonstrate that there is so much depth to what these guys are doing.


when I go; taken out by whatever bullet modern so called civilisation sends my way I want these guys dancing on my grave!


At least I will have known I had lived.... Not dawdled through life waiting for some other fucker to do something.




.

Sunflower Tate modern fiasco update. Seeds of doubt!

Stolen from Tate Modern?

As usual Jan Nieupjur was on the button... Of course the Health & Efficiency people are going to kick up a stink over opening a giant hamster cage full of unhygenic foreign detritus to the public.  
Jan suggested via Skype this morning that they should have filled the space with all the brown M&N's that prima donna rock stars insist out of their riders. Of course then it would look just like a rabbit hutch... Same problem.


Jan went on to say that soon we will be asked to don surgical gloves before wiping our arses;  try calling that 'ART' Mr Serota.

Yoram Savion interview & poem (Stop Youth Violence Project at Youth UpRi...

Club 21 - Remaking the scene, something new is going to happen and Andy Warhol without a wig.

To the club 21 private view/launch party last night at No.1 Marylebone (you know the one time church that now has a valid use).


A refreshing antidote to the Freize rubbish down the road and for once an enjoyable 'Art scene'


Jan Nieupjur writes:


CLUB 21


Shit, me and Andy were always in that place; him to be seen and me to be styling him. He had really got into my wigs by then; he stopped me wearing them in case confusion set in. Bianca Jagger was always there deep in conversation with her lawyers (she had some cute lawyers back then) Claus Nomi would sing occasionally while Grace Jones watched attentively.


I have dug a couple of old photographs out; I am not in them because Andy had me airbrushed out of everything since the incident with the monochrome prints : http://jannieupjur.blogspot.com/2008/08/guggenheim-and-warhol.html

                                        Andy Warhol (without wig) and Marcia Mercadante

Andy Warhol(without wig), Stephen Torton, Jean michel Basquait & Marcia Mercadante 

                                          Madonna


Club 21: Remaking the scene.
One Marylebone, London NW! 4AQ
October 13 - 23, 2010


Something new is going to happen every day.

As usual Book prize goes to one of my mates!

London author and columnist named winner

12 October 2010.  Jan Nieupjur is tonight (Tuesday 12 October) named the winner of the £50,000 Nieupjur prize for Fiction for The Pentimento Question, published by Blogger.

London author and columnist Jan Nieupjur has been longlisted twice for the prize, in 2006 for Oi vey Missus and in 2002 for Is it cos I is going to the right parties, but has never before been shortlisted.

The Pentimento Question is a novel about love, loss and male friendship, and explores what it means to be old hat today.

Said to have ‘some of the wittiest, most poignant and sharply intelligent comic prose in the English language', The Pentimento Question has been described as ‘soso' and ‘written by my mate' and as a novel of ‘full of wit, warmth, intelligence, human feeling and networking'.

Blah blah exquisitely written blah!

Amazing facebook fact discovered.

Doctors have discovered that only 7 words are neccessary to comment on facebook.


These words are: Look how clever I think I am!


They go on to say that the exclamation mark is optional

Freize Art Fair 2010: Puckering up both ends!

Yawn.


Yes it is that time of year again when the pretentious art world puckers up both ends for a collective arse kissing at Freize.  It is always the same old bollocks; I shall enter the spirit of the moment by posting a previous years review....


No one will know the difference; all too busy attention seeking!

Frieze... But is it art...

As I stolled through 'Frieze' last week a chill cut me to the bone.

I came away from the thing feeling depressed and dissappointed Yet at the same time I was elated by the fact that, as I inspected the fornicating, gold plated pigs, my muse had sashayed up to me, giggled, and whispered in my ear. Showing me the direction I must now take.

Some of the pieces on show were good, some were even very good but they were in a small minority. surrounding this nucleus of work by established (Old School even) Artists was a bish bash bosh of dross. an assemblage of the most tawdry, lazy and crass objects I'd ever care to shake a stick at. One enormous tin of poo. It reminded me of nothing more than the wind blown detritus in a roadside hedge. This is when the muse opened my eyes to what I was looking at; this was not Art, this was at best a collection of half resolved observations on the state of art today, a drunken 'undergraduate' discussion informed by todays obsession with 'why' rather than 'what'. 

Teachers in Art schools have become preoccupied with the thought processes with little interest in the quality of the finished work. The journey is all important, the destination irrelevant. Sadly what I saw leads me to believe that most of todays 'Art Travellers' are bogged down in a scuzzy camp-site in an unknown land. 

It is not the fault of the artists. The blame must be equally shared between the cynical Art establishment and those that teach students to believe the hype. A fraction of Art school graduates have got what it takes to achieve even a mediocre greatness and they are being churned out lacking even the basic skills that might allow them to work in the commercial sector.

Is it a coincidence that a great number of young british Artists live and work in Hackney? their work is certainly hackneyed! 

At Frieze one of the works on show was a large piece of old rope snaking accross the floor... Yes, they wanted money for it! 

This article first appeared in the blog in 2008.

Sunflower seeds at Tate Modern.

About the exhibition

Ai Weiwei, one of China’s leading Conceptual artists and an outspoken cultural and social commentator, has undertaken the eleventh commission in The Unilever Series.

Sunflower Seeds is made up of millions of small works, each apparently identical, but actually unique. However realistic they may seem, these life-sized sunflower seed husks are in fact intricately hand-crafted in porcelain. Each seed has been individually sculpted and painted by specialists working in small-scale workshops in the Chinese city of Jingdezhen. Far from being industrially produced, they are the effort of hundreds of skilled hands.

Poured into the interior of the Turbine Hall’s vast industrial space, the 100 million seeds form a seemingly infinite landscape. Sunflower Seeds is a sensory and immersive installation, which we can touch, walk on and listen to as the seeds shift under our feet. The casual act of walking on the work’s surface contrasts with the immense effort of production and the precious nature of the material. Porcelain is almost synonymous with China and, to make this work, Ai Weiwei has manipulated traditional methods of crafting what has historically been one of China’s most prized exports. Sunflower Seeds invites us to look more closely at the ‘Made in China’ phenomenon and the geo-politics of cultural and economic exchange today.

Jan Nieupjur, in a bit of a state, demands: Since when has the bottom of a fucking hamster cage been art?  Oi Serota; No!

Banksy does the simpsons. there or square be.

Or is it 'Simpsons does Banksy'? it is hard to tell these days who is spoofing who.


Anyway this is fun!  D'oh.

Turf; part of the solution.

Since posting the Yak Films turf dance video things have gone a little crazy for all concerned; the video has gone viral; The Huffington Post covered the story linking to this blog, the Guys involved have been getting a lot of attention (quite deservedly) and long may it last.


There is a serious issue here.


Turf dance is being used as a means of resolving disputes where a gun might once have been used; the Dancers, musicians and film makers are openly anti gun crime. Turf is drawing positive attention to a much criticised section of the American population. Turf dance is also being used to express dissatisfaction, grief (R.I.P. 211) and much much more.  


These guys are not the problem; they are part of the solution!

Rotten Hill Bar & Grill.

Anish Kapoor in Kensington Gardens. London and Playlister.

Culcher in the park!


Being housebound; if not housebound then certainly immediate vicinity bound I have to get my culture vicariously. Dan Lywood; top DJ and often recipient of a Cow hello posted this in facebook today. I nicked it... such is the wonder of the interweb.  Thanks Dan!

                                          Photo: Dan Lywood

Check out the playlister website:http://playlister.wordpress.com/

Turf Dance explained.

Nicked this from wikipedia; means half of it will be wrong but WTF:

Turf dance is a form of street dance associated with hyphy music. The term, which originated as an acronym for Taking Up Room on the Floor,^[1][2] was created by the influential turf dancer Jeriel Bey; the dance form was originally known as “hittin’ it”. The dance form had its earliest influences in the break dance movement of the 1980s. It developed into a distinctive dance style  in Oakland California.

Kirsty MacColl.

Brian Nevill wrote the following this morning:

My mate Kirsty, who would have been 51 years old today. Taken from us ten years ago this coming Christmas. I still can't really believe it sometimes. This was taken in Croydon in 1979, at the start of her 'pop' career. A precocious talent lost before full bloom. Amen.

On the Rocks - Lady Gaga - Bad Romance

White American boys can cut it too. I love this.

bootcamp for the broken hearted: Mary Cigarettes.

Sometimes ones thoughts are better expressed by another. 

Turf dancing in Oakland CA: Who those guys are!

this video is doing the rounds over here at the moment. It is an incredible demonstration on a number of levels; not least it is an example what the internet should really be about.


Arty fuckers might call it site specific performance art, White middle aged conservatives might call it threatening because it goes against all of their traditional prejudices when it comes to black youth and specifically male black youth. I just call it magical and inspiring and totally beyond criticism.


Every white adolescent in this country should watch this (all the black kids will know about it anyway); perhaps it may inspire a little more creativity and a little less indolence.  Without doubt it will generate respect!


The dancers are: No Noize (red jacket), Man (black jacket), BJ (striped shirt) and Dreal.  


check out YAK films online; there are more video's:

YAK LIKE YOU KNOW  

YAK began as a production team of young photographers and filmmakers dedicated to youth-led multimedia production which provides a voice for resistance and an alternative to played-out mainstream media. At its core, YAK is a visual wrecking crew built to use every form of expressive multimedia to share the voice of youth in urban America and promote change on every level.

YAK's work with urban dance began with the legendary TURF FEINZ crew from Oakland, CA, innovators of the TUF dancing style. YAK is now evolving to take the lead in the street-based documentation of the global dance movement. We hope to see many more dance crews coming up all around the world and teaming up with new media companies to produce high quality dance videos. We encourage people to start documenting the various dance styles from their neighborhoods, cities and countries.

If you haven't already, join YouTube, subscribe to our channel, add us as a friend, send us a message, show us some videos, rate, comment, follow us on Facebook (search YAKFILMS.com), Twitter @YAKFILMS. We appreciate the support from people all over the world. Be part of the movement.

You can reach us by email at info@YAKFILMS.com  or:  http://www.youtube.com/user/YAKfilms

Many thanks to William Kamroon for replying to my inquiry and providing information on the dancers.  Hopefully we can post more video's in the future.

Great stuff.


Our follow up press release video can be seen here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCtkuGPIts8

Turf; part of the solution.

Since posting that Yak Films turf dance video things have gone a little crazy for all concerned; the video has gone viral; The Huffington Post covered the story linking to this blog, the Guys involved have been getting a lot of attention (quite deservedly) and long may it last.


There is a serious issue here.


Turf dance is being used as a means of resolving disputes where a gun might once have been used; the Dancers, musicians and film makers are openly anti gun crime. Turf is drawing positive attention to a much criticised section of the American population. Turf dance is also being used to express dissatisfaction, grief (R.I.P. 211) and much much more.  


These guys are not the problem; they are part of the solution!

Spiders On Drugs

Rhys Ifans, Howard Marks and Mr Nice.

Mr Nice; the filmed life of Howard Marks (I met him a couple of years ago, he was too stoned to make much sense) starring Rhys Ifans ( I will not under any circumstances spill Cow drinking beans but Rhys did introduce me to the notion of a drinking straw in a carafe of white wine as a beverage option) is released today.... Below is the trailer.


I shall be reviewing it here soon!

National poetry day poem. Under nurses orders!

To celebrate poetry day and facebook I have produce the first facebook poem.

Send it to a friend.

Andreas Grant It's Putin's birthday!(...and national poetry day)

12 minutes ago · Comment · 

• • 
    

    Tristan Hazell 
    

    i'm giving up putin it about
    under doctors orders
    i'm sending it all nurses way
    under nurses orders
    
    bosomly love is the love for me
    under an upside down watch
    which reads the right way
    twice a day
    Oh nurse

    
    

    about a minute ago · 

    
    

Royal Academy pavement paintings. Ben Wilson.

Christian Banfield spotted these on the pavement outside the royal Academy this morning. They are tiny; 2" diameter.  Can anyone shed light on them?

Photographs: Christian Banfield  http://www.schmick.tv/

UPDATE. November 2013:  It seems they are the work of Ben Wilson. http://foroneweekonly.com/Artists/Ben-Wilson

Career changes, bosomly love and The palpable wince.

Jan called round today. He is in trouble for all sorts of reasons not least because of the Luz Morales fiasco.


'I am undergoing a career change'.  He stated.


I asked for an explanation. He provided one: ' I am changing the direction in which I am careering uncontrollably Tristan.  I have discovered by accident what goes through the mind of a 15 year old boys Matronly aunt as she spits on her hanky prior to wiping from his mouth the detritus of a hastily eaten fish supper in a Surrey road house car park.'


That. I said, does not sound healthy Jan!


'It is the product of bosomly love Tristan! elderly poets on the brink of their expiry dates are subject to many manifests of bosomly love.  It is a form of bullying. It brings offers of chicken soup (dumplings or no dumplings) and 4 dimensional hugs  But when you get to my age what appears to a schoolboy as a matronly aunt is in fact (in terms of age percentiles) a very hot young babe'.


He went on: 'Bosomly love is causing a massive career change in me Tristan'.


'Bosomly love has me wringing my hands; the hands of a once doubting Thomas when it came to women.... This Thomas is no longer in doubt. this Thomas has seen into Matrons soul'.


when did Luz get her promotion? I asked.


'Yesterday.  She became a matron yesterday!'


The wince is palpable.

NHS Scandal of hospital panic buttons connected to buzzer in Spanish Bordello .

It was revealed today that the 'panic button' beside the hospital bed of 112 year old Artist and philosopher Jan Nieupjur actually sounded a buzzer in a Spanish Bordello in Marbella.

Nurse Luz Morales (38 DD) declined to answer questions while posing for photographs.

Who Put the Benzadrine in Mrs Murphys Ovaltine? - Harry "The Hipster" Gi...

Stunning Art Fraud discovered in Paris flat.

A stunning rip off of a newspaper article about a painting was found today in a spurious blog:

Parisian flat containing €2.1 million painting lay untouched for 70 years

For 70 years the Parisian apartment of Jan Nieupjur's favourite squeeze and muse had been left uninhabited, under lock and key, the rent faithfully paid but no hint of what was inside

But when Mona Hebuterne died recently aged 91, experts were tasked with drawing up an inventory of her possessions and homed in on the flat near the Trinité church in Paris between the Pigalle red light district and Opera.

Entering the untouched, cobweb-filled flat in Paris' 9th arrondissement, one expert said it was like stumbling into the castle of Sleeping Beauty, where time had stood still since 1900.

"There was a smell of old dust," said Olivier Cripes-souset, who made the discovery. Walking under high wooden ceilings, past an old wood stove and stone sink in the kitchen, he spotted a stuffed ostrich and a Mickey Mouse toy dating from before the war, as well as an exquisite dressing table.

The stunning painting on the apartment wall

But he said his heart missed a beat when he caught sight of a stunning tableau of a woman in a pink muslin evening dress.

The painting was by Nieupjur and the subject a beautiful Frenchwoman who turned out to be the artist's former muse and daughter of Modigliani who had left the flat uninhabited for more than half a century.

The muse was promiscuous as a she goat, an actress with a long list of ardent admirers, whose fervent love letters she kept wrapped neatly in ribbon and were still on the premises. Among the admirers was the 72nd prime minister of France, George Clemenceau, but also Nieupjur.

The expert had a hunch the painting was by Nieupjur, but could find no record of the painting. "No reference book dedicated to Nieupjur mentioned the tableau, which was never exhibited," said Marcus Rijn Goldiing, the art specialist he consulted about the work.

When Mr Cripes-Souset  found a visiting card with a scribbled love note from Nieupjur, he knew he had struck gold. "We had the link and I was sure at that moment that it was indeed a very fine Nieupjur".

The starting price for the painting was €300,000 but it rocketed as ten bidders vyed for the historic work. Finally it went under the hammer for €2.1 million, a world record for the artist.

"It was a magic moment. One could see that the buyer loved the painting; he paid the price of passion," said Mr  Rijn Goldiing..

Da Vinci invented photography. New evidence emerges.

Proof has recently emerged that Leonardo Da Vinci did indeed invent photography.

Photo: Da Vinci?

The above is a reproduction of a photographic image found in a recently discovered folio of Da Vinci drawings. It has the name 'Gabriel' written on the reverse. 

                                                                  Illustration: Da Vinci

Bella's Emporium and the Sloane Club

By far my favourite stall on Portobello market is Bella's; she is situated in the alley bit (Portobello Green) between Portobello Road and Ladbroke Grove on Saturdays, Bella  sells silver jewelry she has sourced from around the world.


I go along to chat and be seen. It is THE place for that!


Today Bella is at:

MANDY BARBER’S AUTUMN BAZAAR 2010 AT THE SLOANE CLUB

Perils of facebook role play.

Gretchen Merrywidow (not her real name) whiles away her life on the interweb masquerading as Jane Smith; grey house wife.


Jane Smith has a facebook page where she discusses grey matters with like minded fantasists, sexual predators, lunatics, voyeurs, paedophiles and bank managers.  It is making Gretchen quite ill; she is losing sight of the fact that she is a Swiss nymphomaniac living on a diet of alpine meadows, chocolate and priapic leiderhosed goatherds.


Gretchen has learned the hard way that this kind of fantasy is only healthy in fiction; she has killed Jane Grey. She will be herself in future.


facebook allows all the perverts, sad fucks and losers to enter into a dialogue; this should not be allowed.  EVER! I never allow a friending to take place without having met the person concerned or having had a personal recommendation from a trusted friend.


On this blog, which started life as Jan Nieupjur's blog (until I wrenched it from him and 'fessed up') I vet all comments and never, never enter into dialogue with comment posters; even people well known to me and trusted.


This is the Cardinal Rule of interwebbery of this ilk.


I shall be writing on this subject again.

Marzipan babies!

Ta ta Tristesse, Luz Morales and Churchie La Femme.

Jan has talked me into something I know I will regret.


He came for lunch today and his demeanour was not encouraging.  'What's up'. I asked.


'I feel like a child on Christmas day who has just been given a bunny rabbit only to watch his parents eat it for lunch.'


I quickly weaned him away from whatever disaster he was about to relate.


Jan has asked me (hence the luncheon meeting) to participate in a little scheme of his. It will end in tears  as usual but how do you refuse a man like Jan Nieupjur!  


We are going to open a cabaret/burlesque club thing; it will be called Ta ta Tristesse and happen just once a month at a venue yet to be decided.  the venue will be as small as possible, maybe space for 40 people.


Acts will vary but regulars will be Luz Morales (Jan's new Muse) and Churchie La Femme ( a future star if ever I saw one).


Watch this space for more details.