Our freezer in Kitchen
Hotpoint be your name
your Kingsmill come
you will be filled
as if in heaven
give us this day our daily bread
and forgive our greed
as we have special need
And lead us not into Sainsbury's
deliver us from Aldi
Etcetera etcetera
Amazon.
Thursday, 9 April 2020
Ozzy Osbourne and Coronavirus.
On January 20th, 1982, the singer infamously bit the head off of a live bat on-stage in Des Moines, Iowa during his "Diary of a Madman" tour after a fan threw the animal at Osbourne's feet. He picked the bat up, and, as he wrote in his book "I Am Ozzy," he said "Immediately, though, something felt wrong.
This of course did not cause the virus but did spawn a legion of Chinese tribute bands keen to emulate the master.
We may never know.
Monday, 6 April 2020
Balthazar, coronavirus and the future.
My companion in this time of crisis is Balthazar.
Balthazar is a baobab tree grown from a seed collected in Mauritius by a friend.
Last week things looked bad for Balthazar. I thought he had died. But in the last couple of days he is showing signs of life: leaves are sprouting.
There is a future.
Balthazar is a baobab tree grown from a seed collected in Mauritius by a friend.
Last week things looked bad for Balthazar. I thought he had died. But in the last couple of days he is showing signs of life: leaves are sprouting.
There is a future.
Friday, 3 April 2020
God and coronavirus.
I couldn't sleep last night, too much on my mind, why Sarah will not talk to me anymore,viruses and the like..
I went downstairs in the dark to the kitchen to find some alcohol.
Before I could switch a light on a voice rang out: "Leave us in the dark my son" It said.
"Who are you". I asked, equally in the dark.
"GOD" was the reply.
I said: "Well sit yourself down, have a cup of sake and explain why you are doing this to mankind, after all we are your chosen lot, made in your own image and stuff like that".
"Au conrtaire" said God (did I mention he was a polyglot?) "I am doing this to protect my chosen lot and the planet from you fools."
As he left the house I turned on the light.
I went downstairs in the dark to the kitchen to find some alcohol.
Before I could switch a light on a voice rang out: "Leave us in the dark my son" It said.
"Who are you". I asked, equally in the dark.
"GOD" was the reply.
I said: "Well sit yourself down, have a cup of sake and explain why you are doing this to mankind, after all we are your chosen lot, made in your own image and stuff like that".
"Au conrtaire" said God (did I mention he was a polyglot?) "I am doing this to protect my chosen lot and the planet from you fools."
As he left the house I turned on the light.
Jasmine in crisis.
The streets are empty save
the occasional passer by
we nod in recognition of
something unspeakable but
The jasmine is flowering
The urban foxes, imploring eyed
are starving now
foodwaste a thing of the past
the streets are clean
The jasmine is flowering.
Knife crime at an all time low
and muggers cower in
their self isolated loathing
mugged themselves by the virus
The jasmine is flowering.
Each day I venture outside
remove my mask
lean in, smell the scent
and think of you
The jasmine is flowering.
Wednesday, 1 April 2020
Stockholm Syndrome.
As a result of weeks of self imprisonment I have developed full blown Stockholm Syndrome.
I am undergoing treatments including anti-selfamotory drugs and aversion therapy.
I am undergoing treatments including anti-selfamotory drugs and aversion therapy.
There is also an issue of side affects including self-loathing and low self esteem for which I am receiving two hours of compliments a day.
wish me luck.
Saturday, 28 March 2020
Virus
Surrounded by mankind
intent on mass suicide
out of a self loathing and
fear of being alone
the virus thrives.
At peace with oneself
solitude is easy
the virus dies then
eaten up by loneliness.
intent on mass suicide
out of a self loathing and
fear of being alone
the virus thrives.
At peace with oneself
solitude is easy
the virus dies then
eaten up by loneliness.
Monday, 16 March 2020
Rumours of secret Govt plans to intentionally infect the unemployed with Coronavirus. Fact check.
From our medical correspondent. Nurse Luz Morales.
Rumours have been circulating of a plan by the Tory government to intentionally infect the unemployed in return for double benefits as they self isolate until free of Covid 19 in order that there is a stockpile of people ready to fill the job vacancies created by the virus.
A Whitehall mole informs me that he couldn't possibly comment on this but rather cryptically pointed out that Coronavirus is certain to become the country's biggest job creator since Hitler annexed the Sudetenland.
When I pointed out that there was a distinct certainty that some of these people would die, he informed me:
"That is a downside to the plan but each deceased participant in the scheme will receive a photocopied letter from Boris Churchill informing them that it was their finest hour".
Editors note: This may be satire, please check with your local MP.
Rumours have been circulating of a plan by the Tory government to intentionally infect the unemployed in return for double benefits as they self isolate until free of Covid 19 in order that there is a stockpile of people ready to fill the job vacancies created by the virus.
A Whitehall mole informs me that he couldn't possibly comment on this but rather cryptically pointed out that Coronavirus is certain to become the country's biggest job creator since Hitler annexed the Sudetenland.
When I pointed out that there was a distinct certainty that some of these people would die, he informed me:
"That is a downside to the plan but each deceased participant in the scheme will receive a photocopied letter from Boris Churchill informing them that it was their finest hour".
Editors note: This may be satire, please check with your local MP.
Friday, 7 February 2020
Sociopathic dermatology, borders and American literature.
A guest blog by Rusty McGlint.
I aint one for writing much on account of Lula Mae getting pregnant at 15 and me having to quit school to find a job in order to buy the diapers and such like and build us a tar paper shack out back of the trailer park.
I gotta write about this though:
Lula Mae has always been troubled, some would say trouble, and it had been getting worse. Holden down at the Liquor Parlour reckoned that she had a borderline personality disorder whatever that is but I told him she was cranky on account of her skin problems that she has had since she was a child.
Old Doc Steinbeck had been treating her skin problems for years to no good affect. He prescribed ointments and creams, unctions and emolients (both of the viscous and non-viscous variety) to no avail. He was flummoxed.
He referred her to an emotional dermatologist over in Boise so I gassed up the truck and took her for a ride.
Doctor Alcotts office was in a highrise so I dropped Lula Mae off there and headed down to the gun store.
When I got back to the doc's office Lula Mae was waiting and we were ushered in by his assistant Miss Faulkner.
Lula Mae seemed to have taken a shine to the doc on account of them having similar names and I hoped for the best....
However.
The minute we sat down the doc looked at Lula Mae and told her that after all her tests she was convinced that the skin complaints were the physical manifestation of her inner evil and as long as she was a man hating sociopath she would continue to have her skin problems.
Lula Mae laughed, then leaned over, picked up a silver paper knife from the doc's desk and stabbed her in the eye.
Now Doc Alcott didn't think too long about losing an eye as the paper knife went on to split her eye socket and pierce her brain. She was dead before her head hit the desk.
The long and short is that Lula Mae was arrested for murder as she agreed that she had done it. She is in custody now awaiting trial.
I went home and tried out my new gun then went down to the Liquor Parlour to tell Holden that Lula Mae's personality disorder was no longer borderline.
Holden said I hope for your sake Trump gets that border wall up before they let her out.
I guess I drank too much rye that night on account of Holden never demonstrating a sense of humor before.
I aint one for writing much on account of Lula Mae getting pregnant at 15 and me having to quit school to find a job in order to buy the diapers and such like and build us a tar paper shack out back of the trailer park.
I gotta write about this though:
Lula Mae has always been troubled, some would say trouble, and it had been getting worse. Holden down at the Liquor Parlour reckoned that she had a borderline personality disorder whatever that is but I told him she was cranky on account of her skin problems that she has had since she was a child.
Old Doc Steinbeck had been treating her skin problems for years to no good affect. He prescribed ointments and creams, unctions and emolients (both of the viscous and non-viscous variety) to no avail. He was flummoxed.
He referred her to an emotional dermatologist over in Boise so I gassed up the truck and took her for a ride.
Doctor Alcotts office was in a highrise so I dropped Lula Mae off there and headed down to the gun store.
When I got back to the doc's office Lula Mae was waiting and we were ushered in by his assistant Miss Faulkner.
Lula Mae seemed to have taken a shine to the doc on account of them having similar names and I hoped for the best....
However.
The minute we sat down the doc looked at Lula Mae and told her that after all her tests she was convinced that the skin complaints were the physical manifestation of her inner evil and as long as she was a man hating sociopath she would continue to have her skin problems.
Lula Mae laughed, then leaned over, picked up a silver paper knife from the doc's desk and stabbed her in the eye.
Now Doc Alcott didn't think too long about losing an eye as the paper knife went on to split her eye socket and pierce her brain. She was dead before her head hit the desk.
The long and short is that Lula Mae was arrested for murder as she agreed that she had done it. She is in custody now awaiting trial.
I went home and tried out my new gun then went down to the Liquor Parlour to tell Holden that Lula Mae's personality disorder was no longer borderline.
Holden said I hope for your sake Trump gets that border wall up before they let her out.
I guess I drank too much rye that night on account of Holden never demonstrating a sense of humor before.
Wednesday, 5 February 2020
Saturday, 1 February 2020
Sunday, 19 January 2020
Life in Oxford Gardens.
It's good here. after two and a half years of b&b it is good here. Everything is close by and I am back where I want to be...Home.
more later...
more later...
Living with a sociopath.
Rusty called from lizard Bend Idaho.
He said: ' Hey Tristan, how you doing? I've just discovered that Lula Mae is a sociopath, what do I do.
I said leave her to it Rusty.
And he said: 'But she is turning the kids against me".
I said, Rusty, in the long run she is turning the kids against herself, let her get on with it, you'll see your kids later when they see their mother for what she is.
'And then what/' Said Rusty.
And then she will pretend to have Alzheimers in order to avoid responsibility and try to garner some sympathy.
Rusty said thanks Tristan.
I said you are welcome Rusty.
He said: ' Hey Tristan, how you doing? I've just discovered that Lula Mae is a sociopath, what do I do.
I said leave her to it Rusty.
And he said: 'But she is turning the kids against me".
I said, Rusty, in the long run she is turning the kids against herself, let her get on with it, you'll see your kids later when they see their mother for what she is.
'And then what/' Said Rusty.
And then she will pretend to have Alzheimers in order to avoid responsibility and try to garner some sympathy.
Rusty said thanks Tristan.
I said you are welcome Rusty.
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