Imaginary friend.

My imaginary friend has left me, he just vanished in the night.
I called my psychiatrist and told him. He said: "Congratulations you are cured".
I said: "I don't want to be cured,

I'd rather be mad than alone".

Nurse.

I wrote this nonsense ten years ago when I was hospitalised with lung disease. It seems appropriate now.




With abject apologies to T.S Elliot.



She came to me in the ICU
I was weak and struggling for breath
hope it seemed was in short supply
and all roads led to death
but she talked to me of white horses
she took me for walks on the beach
she talked of Michelangelo
and dared me to eat a peach
she sang the songs of mermaids
to the sound of the surf on the sand
took my blood by the thimblefull
from a tube on the back of my hand.

I left one day in a mini cab
far preferable to a hearse
but she remained in the ICU
my wonderful NHS nurse.

The hoarders prayer.

Our freezer in Kitchen
Hotpoint be your name
your Kingsmill come
you will be filled
as if in heaven
give us this day our daily bread
and forgive our greed
as we have special need
And lead us not into Sainsbury's
deliver us from Aldi
Etcetera etcetera

Amazon.

Ozzy Osbourne and Coronavirus.

On January 20th, 1982, the singer infamously bit the head off of a live bat on-stage in Des Moines, Iowa during his "Diary of a Madman" tour after a fan threw the animal at Osbourne's feet. He picked the bat up, and, as he wrote in his book "I Am Ozzy," he said "Immediately, though, something felt wrong.

This of course did not cause the virus but did spawn a legion of Chinese tribute bands keen to emulate the master.

We may never know.

Balthazar, coronavirus and the future.

My companion in this time of crisis is Balthazar.

Balthazar is a baobab tree grown from a seed collected in Mauritius by a friend.
Last week things looked bad for Balthazar. I thought he had died. But in the last couple of days he is showing signs of life: leaves are sprouting.



There is a future.

God and coronavirus.

I couldn't sleep last night, too much on my mind, why Sarah will not talk to me anymore,viruses and the like..

I went downstairs in the dark to the kitchen to find some alcohol.

Before I could switch a light on a voice rang out: "Leave us in the dark my son" It said.
"Who are you". I asked, equally in the dark.
"GOD" was the reply.
I said: "Well sit yourself down, have a cup of sake and explain why you are doing this to mankind, after all we are your chosen lot, made in your own image and stuff like that".
"Au conrtaire" said God (did I mention he was a polyglot?)  "I am doing this to protect my chosen lot and the planet from you fools."

As he left the house I turned on the light.

Jasmine in crisis.

The streets are empty save
the occasional passer by
we nod in recognition of
something unspeakable but

The jasmine is flowering

The urban foxes, imploring eyed
are starving now
foodwaste a thing of the past
the streets are clean

The jasmine is flowering.

Knife crime at an all time low
and muggers cower in
their self isolated loathing
mugged themselves by the virus

The jasmine is flowering.

Each day I venture outside
remove my mask
lean in, smell the scent
and think of you

The jasmine is flowering.

Stockholm Syndrome.

As a result of weeks of self imprisonment I have developed full blown Stockholm Syndrome.
I am undergoing treatments including anti-selfamotory drugs and aversion therapy.

There is also an issue of side affects including self-loathing and low self esteem for which I am receiving two hours of compliments a day.

wish me luck.

Virus

Surrounded by mankind
intent on mass suicide
out of a self loathing and
fear of being alone
the virus thrives.

At peace with oneself
solitude is easy

the virus dies then
eaten up by loneliness.

Rumours of secret Govt plans to intentionally infect the unemployed with Coronavirus. Fact check.

From our medical correspondent. Nurse Luz Morales.

Rumours have been circulating of a plan by the Tory government to intentionally infect the unemployed in return for double benefits as they self isolate until free of Covid 19 in order that there is a stockpile of people ready to fill the job vacancies created by the virus.

A Whitehall mole informs me that he couldn't possibly comment on this but rather cryptically pointed out that  Coronavirus is certain to become the country's biggest job creator since Hitler annexed the Sudetenland.

When I pointed out that there was a distinct certainty that some of these people would die, he informed me:

"That is a downside to the plan but each deceased participant in the scheme will receive a photocopied letter from Boris Churchill informing them that it was their finest hour".



Editors note: This may be satire, please check with your local MP.

Sociopathic dermatology, borders and American literature.

A guest blog by Rusty McGlint.

I aint one for writing much on account of Lula Mae getting pregnant at 15 and me having to quit school to find a job in order to buy the diapers and such like and build us a tar paper shack out back of the trailer park.

I gotta write about this though:

Lula Mae has always been troubled, some would say trouble, and it had been getting worse. Holden down at the Liquor Parlour reckoned that she had a borderline personality disorder whatever that is but I told him she was cranky on account of her skin problems that she has had since she was a child.

Old Doc Steinbeck had been treating her skin problems for years to no good affect. He prescribed ointments and creams, unctions and emolients (both of the viscous and non-viscous variety) to no avail. He was flummoxed.

He referred her to an emotional dermatologist over in Boise so I gassed up the truck and took her for a ride.

Doctor Alcotts office was in a highrise so I dropped Lula Mae off there and headed down to the gun store.

When I got back to the doc's office Lula Mae was waiting and we were ushered in by his assistant Miss Faulkner.

Lula Mae seemed to have taken a shine to the doc on account of them having similar names and I hoped for the best....

However.

The minute we sat down the doc looked at Lula Mae and told her that after all her tests she was convinced that the skin complaints were the physical manifestation of her inner evil and as long as she was a man hating sociopath she would continue to have her skin problems.

Lula Mae laughed, then leaned over, picked up a silver paper knife from the doc's desk and stabbed her in the eye.

Now Doc Alcott didn't think too long about losing an eye as the paper knife went on to split her eye socket and pierce her brain. She was dead before her head hit the desk.

The long and short is that Lula Mae was arrested for murder as she agreed that she had done it. She is in custody now awaiting trial.

I went home and tried out my new gun then went down to the Liquor Parlour to tell Holden that Lula Mae's personality disorder was no longer borderline.

Holden said I hope for your sake Trump gets that border wall up before they let her out.

I guess I drank too much rye that night on account of Holden never demonstrating a sense of humor before.

Failed By The State: The Struggle in the Shadow of Grenfell.

Email leaks reveals the real reason why these Grenfell refurbishment contractors are trying to seek immunity.