Tristan Hazell lives and works in the shadow of the Westway on Portobello Road. What follows is a collection of observations, reviews, social comment, fiction, poetry, art criticism and more. Much of it is fiction and some of it will offend someone somewhere, I hope.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

RBKC about to unveil new plans for Portobello and Golborne Roads.



My mole in Kensington Town Hall 'phoned this morning with alarming news of the latest 'alleged proposals' for North Kensington.  Here is a brief outline:

Portobello and Golborne Roads are to be gated at either end and at all intersections. The area is to be 'rebranded' as The Portobello Experience, tourists will be obliged to buy a Day Ticket which will allow them free entry to the tourist tat shops and the coffee shops. There will be a surcharge applied at all other establishments. Residents will be obliged to carry ID cards at all times, Homeowners with properties valued at over three million will be given gold 'priority' cards.

Security will be provided by thugs'

All market traders will be obliged to wear Pearly King/Queen style uniforms and to greet all customers with: 'Ello darlin'. 

Selfie sticks will be obligatory for all tourists and 'Selfie Opportunities' will be staged throughout the area including 'homeless drunks' and 'waiting for an ambulance' tableaux. The remaining bohemian artists in the area will be obliged to gather at various cafes each weekend entertaining the tourists with intense arguments over the importance of Surrealism in 21st Century London while being photographed.

The Portobello Green area will be renamed Bond Street West.

Seriously though...


There is a petition to stop RBKC messing about with Golborne Road HERE




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