Tristan Hazell lives and works in the shadow of the Westway on Portobello Road. What follows is a collection of observations, reviews, social comment, fiction, poetry, art criticism and more. Much of it is fiction and some of it will offend someone somewhere, I hope.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

The gargling Harpist of Talybont.


            Harp and spittoon: Horngacher Empire Meisterharfe. Ikea Socker bucket.

Buddug was an harpist of great promise until one day in rehearsals the composer heard her gargling in the wings.

He was mesmerised by the fact that she was gargling Mahler 5.

He sat down there and then to write his masterwork: 'Composition for harp and gargle'.

She became an overnight sensation along with the composer and the piece.

Buddug suffered from stage-fright and in order to cope with the fame, started gargling with gin during her warm up.

Soon she was gargling with vodka during performances.

Sadly the Orchesra did not provide a spittoon… She swallowed.

Her playing suffered as a result and very soon Buddug was replaced by a more reliable musician (there were suddenly many aspiring harp garblers up for it) and soon forgotten.

Buddug now spends her days gargling for the residents of a run down hotel in Mid Wales and her nights drinking herself senseless.

And her harp? She sold it long ago to pay for her booze.


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