Friday, 5 June 2020

BREAKING NEWS. Johnson tests positive for Coprophobia.




Scientists have discovered that the reason for the prime minister's inability to comb his hair is a direct result of, until now, undiagnosed Coprophobia. A symptom of which is the inability to look at himself.

He may have passed this virus on to the whole cabinet plus 'Driver' Cummins.

Trump's America: Deathspot/Despot.

Tinpot
tosspot
crackpot
despot
pisspot
crockpot
Tinpot
despot
blackspot
drosspot
hotspot
deathspot
baldspot
blindspot
blackspot
deathspot




Wednesday, 3 June 2020

Photograph of the Year.

Look into the eyes: A hundred million stories told.

When I look into his eyes I see my own guilt reflected.




Photograph courtesy of Christopher Scholey. http://www.christopherscholey.com/



Monday, 1 June 2020

'The Naughty Step'. The most exclusive pop up private members club in London.




For one month only the Naughty Step will offer socially distanced exclusivity; a place to meet no one save the Bouncer. Facilities are non-existent, hats compulsory and the welcome effusive. Bring your own conversation.

Social distancing is fiercely enforced.

Applicants, who must be known to the bouncer, a virtual post card please. No Tory MP's admitted.

Another day up the PM's bum, toxic policy and survival.




'Another day up the queen's arse' was a common 'end of day' refrain in England's prisons.

It was a statement of defiance, resilience and survival. It ticked off another day towards freedom.

During these days of chaos and Governmental incompetence in which the sensible part of the community remains 'banged up', Another day up Boris' arse has become my end of day mantra.

As the General Amnesty begins; an elitist gamble which will cost many lives in a drive to restart the economy, much to the horror of all common sense, along with most scientists and Doctors, even those advising Johnson and co, the mantra: 'Another day up Boris' arse will remain valid and necessary to mark survival during a doomed idiots selfish and ill advised toxic policy.

The amnesty will also disguise the fact that, since the Cummins crime, no-one is listening to Johnson nor following lock-down rules.

God help us all.




Sunday, 31 May 2020

Sad bloke in the kitchen. Sugar during lock-down.

Fret not, you do not need bags of different sugars. All you need is unbleached granulated sugar and the following tips:

1. Caster sugar: Bung granulated sugar in a blender and blitz.

2. Icing sugar: As above but blitz for longer then sieve.

3. Brown sugar: Add some gravy browning.

4. Sugar cubes: Cowboy up cupcake and get over it.

Sorted.


Auto Dontist's breakfast amuse bouche.

























Ice cream

Strawberry & black pepper
Mandarin orange & pineapple
Passion fruit & Pommegranite
Vodka & Ginger beer

Cummins, driving and eye tests.

Cummins could have walked from his cottage at Dad's place to the golf course next door to check out his driving ability or failing that walked a little further to the Driving Test Centre, where they have an eye chart for that very purpose.



Electronic Social distancer, Marcel Marceau and cctv


Saturday, 30 May 2020

Sad bloke in the Kitchen. Led by the roof.

A lovely day today up on the roof mucking about. The roof dictated dinner:

Omelette fines herbes. 

2 eggs beaten, salt and black pepper. Nothing else.

Heat an omelette pan, chuck in a knob of butter let it melt and sizzle. Eggs in, muck about with a fork a bit. 

DO NOT LET IT COOK TOO MUCH. 

when nearly there, ie when you still have runny bits, chuck in a child's handful of herbs, I had parsley, chives and thyme, straight from the plants chopped roughly.

Fold it, plate it, eat it. I had homemade bread and a bottle of Valpolicella to hand so that did. Garnished with JJ Cale.

So simple, so quick and so redolent of that cafe lunch on the trip south to Bordeaux in 1973 with the woman you loved then but later hated & now find yourself thinking of fondly.

Strawberry and black pepper ice cream after that.  Ten minutes between Strawberries leaving the plant and hitting the freezer. Sounds like an odd combination but Try freshly ground pepper on strawberries and cream and you'll get the idea.

I was going to post a photograph but didn't.

My cheats ice cream will remain a secret until patents have been granted.

What crisis?


Two tales of a city.

It was the best of times if white and privileged, it was the worst of times if not.

A small quiet street in Notting Hill, once, until gentrification, a no go area for all save the MP's and socialites looking for drugs, kicks and low escapes. Now an expensive enclave, gated at each end by the sheer will of the parvenu residents.

Picture this:
One daylit evening during lockdown a local guy, working on a repair job on a restaurant close by, a restaurant he looks after during this crisis (I often see him watering the planters late at night) needs a hammer. He goes home to pick one up. On his return to the job he is stopped for no reason save that he ain't white and middle class and that The Police have declared that the area be bounded by a Section 60 order, allowing them to stop and search without reason. He is surrounded by police officers, I counted 12 at one time. His hammer is bagged for evidence, you bet he got pissed off, so would we all but when have you ever been threatened with a tazer because you were going about your job with the tools of your trade.

Having been handcuffed, arrested, vanned to Charring Cross police station, banged up, then finally released with no charge, he gets home in the early hours the next day.





Compared with:
Just metres away a few nights later a bunch of over privileged white folks hold yet another party in the street complete with ping pong table and chairs blocking safe passage. I called the police at 9.00 ., Nothing happened. I called the police an hour later, nothing. Yet both times (I have the reference numbers) I was told that an officer would attend and advise the revellers that they were in breach of social distancing rules. I then went online, reported it again, nothing.



When I tried to talk to the revellers they sneered, even the guy my age who told me that the rules were too difficult to understand (I kid you not) even the woman who told me that because they all lived in the street it was OK. What she wanted to say was 'because we own our homes and are rich we can do as we please, Boris and Dom say so). I told them they were killing their parents generation with their selfishness. They sat there in scornful silence, mentally counting the inheritance once daddy was dead. Inheritance spawned by empire and slavery.

I went home to let this all sink in, to write about it, to write about it close to tears. Tears of horror at what England has become.. A country in which the poor pulled together and the wealthy pulled apart like wolves at a carcass.

Thinking: Anywhere would be a far far better place to go, anything would be a far far better thing to do.

Kill me now. I'm sick of my country.

NOTE: I have photographs of both occurrences and know the names and addresses of those concerned. I shall photograph them all in the light of day  then publish them on this post. The only way to deal with irresponsible idiots  is by being responsible, remaining cautious and  pointing out why they are potential killers.




Thursday, 28 May 2020

Dream.


Like Ginsberg's cougher
singing in his dreams
I dream of filling lungs
diving deep

to listen to the mermaids singing.