Thursday, 10 April 2014
Wednesday, 9 April 2014
Saturday, 5 April 2014
The Notting Hill Gnomes.
The bankers are down in their bunkers
the rest of the countries gone broke
the bankers are lining their pockets
and
lining their noses with coke.
Their staff are all paid
minimum wage
trophy wives are all of the rage
the kids are all spoiled
the wheels are well oiled
the hands are not soiled
And they are fucking the aupair to boot.
And daddy, nothing rhymes with fucking the aupair except alimony!
OR:
The bankers are down in their bunkers
hunkered over money and coke
the poor are UP in their attics
laughing while being quite broke
celebrating the freedom of poverty
and the opportunity to think
of things other than money
and how the working class stink.
the rest of the countries gone broke
the bankers are lining their pockets
and
lining their noses with coke.
Their staff are all paid
minimum wage
trophy wives are all of the rage
the kids are all spoiled
the wheels are well oiled
the hands are not soiled
And they are fucking the aupair to boot.
And daddy, nothing rhymes with fucking the aupair except alimony!
OR:
The bankers are down in their bunkers
hunkered over money and coke
the poor are UP in their attics
laughing while being quite broke
celebrating the freedom of poverty
and the opportunity to think
of things other than money
and how the working class stink.
A poem for a dead mother.
I'm supposed to write a poem about her now she is dead.
but I couldn't write about her when she was alive
so why expect anything different now.
Nothing rhymes with death… And
She died thankfully in my sleep.
And
And
I miss her.
but I couldn't write about her when she was alive
so why expect anything different now.
Nothing rhymes with death… And
She died thankfully in my sleep.
And
And
I miss her.
Wednesday, 2 April 2014
When a pelican becomes a lemon.
The Pelican pub on All Saints Road has always been a bit of a lemon. Tucked away behind Portobello Road it managed to avoid attracting too many customers. It has had a history punctuated by misfortune; if it wasn't burning down it was being subjected to drug raids or being thieved from. It closed down a few weeks ago after an attempt to turn it into some sort of ersatz country gastro pub type thing failed.
The place has now reopened with a new name: 'THE RED LEMON'. Judging from the menu posted outside the place considers itself to be some kind gastro pub. We shall see.
This part of London has a strange relationship with its pubs, most of which have closed now. The public house was historically the refuge of what was once called the working class. RBKC and the developers are systematically displacing the indigenous population in favour of wealthy incomers who will most certainly not be frequenting boozers, preferring the likes of the Electric or E&O which begs the question: Who is the Red Lemon aimed at?
Beer prices in pubs are now ridiculous, in the recently refurbished KPH on Ladbroke Grove, a pint is £5 making a trip to the pub a luxury for most ordinary people, leaving a small nucleus of dysfunctional barflies to prop up both the bars and the finances of what few pubs are left.
UPDATE: I wandered int the red lemon for a beer this evening at 7.45 and suddenly found myself in a local pub, you know, how pubs used to be, people talking to each other. How cool is that!
The beer is not overpriced, it is 80 pence cheaper than Vince Power at the KPH. The place has been painted out cooly in a way that has not been decided by the owners flowery wife and hooray, the emphasis is on it being a pub.
I haven't tried the food yet but will report on that when I have. It seems to be a great deal more inexpensive than the usual run of the mill places.
The new owner is a gutsy woman, Ali, who is determined to make it work and if she has the desire to stand behind the bar for a while and make it her own she may well succeed in giving the pelican wings… Or the lemon zest.
Monday, 31 March 2014
Wednesday, 26 March 2014
Saturday, 22 March 2014
Westway Development Trust getting into bed with Waitrose in order to promote the gentrification of Portobello.
Sickening news if true.
I learn today from a reliable source within RBKC that Westway Development Trust (WDT) have decided to let Waitrose open a store in the vacant bays adjacent to Portobello road currently occupied by the Pop up Cinema, the food market and the live music bar, collectively know as Acklam Village.
Crass nomenclature aside, the present occupiers of the site suit Portobello very well and the Pop up Cinema is an asset to be cherished, it is unique. The Music bar is great too; laid back, child friendly, slightly hippy and unpretentious.
If Waitrose do go in there it demonstrates that neither WDT nor RBKC have any interest in the needs of the market nor the local community who they claim to serve but every interest in the needs of their own greed and the needs of a gentrified Portobello which appears to be RBKC's ultimate aim!
If Waitrose go in there the hordes of bankers wive's chelsea tractors parked and double parked on the nearby roads will only exacerbate the already chaotic situation.
RBKC and WDT listen up. The wealthy incomers contribute nothing to the community apart from mayhem from their basement bunker building, traffic nightmares from their idiot 'look at rich me' cars and mayhem on the pavements outside their snotty schools for their doomed kids. The last thing they need is more encouragement to venture into the last unspoilt part of Portobello.
Sort your shit out guys!
I learn today from a reliable source within RBKC that Westway Development Trust (WDT) have decided to let Waitrose open a store in the vacant bays adjacent to Portobello road currently occupied by the Pop up Cinema, the food market and the live music bar, collectively know as Acklam Village.
Crass nomenclature aside, the present occupiers of the site suit Portobello very well and the Pop up Cinema is an asset to be cherished, it is unique. The Music bar is great too; laid back, child friendly, slightly hippy and unpretentious.
If Waitrose do go in there it demonstrates that neither WDT nor RBKC have any interest in the needs of the market nor the local community who they claim to serve but every interest in the needs of their own greed and the needs of a gentrified Portobello which appears to be RBKC's ultimate aim!
If Waitrose go in there the hordes of bankers wive's chelsea tractors parked and double parked on the nearby roads will only exacerbate the already chaotic situation.
RBKC and WDT listen up. The wealthy incomers contribute nothing to the community apart from mayhem from their basement bunker building, traffic nightmares from their idiot 'look at rich me' cars and mayhem on the pavements outside their snotty schools for their doomed kids. The last thing they need is more encouragement to venture into the last unspoilt part of Portobello.
Sort your shit out guys!
Friday, 7 March 2014
Sunday, 23 February 2014
Brown rice and Joy. A vegetarian fairy tale.
Joy lived with her mum on the edge of the village. Joy was 13 and had a faint memory of a father who disappeared years before leaving her and her mum with a little cottage and a field of pigs.
Joy's mum tried to make a living as a pig farmer but it was difficult, most of the other villagers were vegetarians and didn't like pork and whenever her mum tried growing vegetables in the field the pigs ate them. Times were hard.
One day Joy's mum gave her the last of their money and asked her to go to the market to buy vegetables so that they could invite some neighbours round for supper.
On her way to the market Joy met a man leading a cow. The man with the cow asked her where she was going and when she informed him of her errand he said: 'Look no further young lady, I have just the thing for you.'
Come off it said Joy. If you think I am going to buy a few beans from you you are mistaken! The man with the cow explained that he had just traded his last few magic beans for the cow with a young lad called Jack but that he had the answer to all her problems.
He pulled from a sack a cage, in the cage was a small brown mouse.
I could spend an age describing the haggling that took place but you've heard it all before… Joy walked home with the mouse who she decided to name Regret.
Joy's mum was, of course, mightily pissed off and sent the girl to bed without supper… No hardship to Joy who was fed up with her daily intake of pork products.
The following morning Joy rose early and went down to her chores. she was surprised to find that all the pig scraps lying around the kitchen had been cleared up and that there was a pile of brown rice on the table. She scooped the rice into a bowl before going out to feed the pigs. The mouse slept in his cage in the corner.
When Joys mum arose she showed her the rice and declared that there was enough for a proper banquet for all their vegetarian friends.
The banquet of course was a success, a mound of steaming brown rice infused with herbs from the hedgerows and vegetables borrowed from neighbouring gardens had all of the guests singing its praises. The brown rice had a flavour previously unknown to them. It was magnificent. It was heaven.
By the end of the evening each of the guests has put in an order for brown rice which Joy's mum accepted while secretly wondering where it was going to come from. She need not have worried for the following morning there was a mound of brown rice waiting on the table.
Over the following weeks Joy and her mum discovered that the more pork they left in the kitchen the more brown rice appeared on the table the following day.
They made a lot of money from selling that brown rice to the village vegetarians and lived happily ever after apart from one small glitch when the inspector from the ministry of food tested the rice and declared it 98 percent pork and 2 percent mouse spit but by then it was too late, the village rabbi had already koshered it as fit for vegetarians.
And the mouse… Joy changed it's name from Regret to Regretta who lived long, fondly watching over her burgeoning family shitting on the kitchen table as it grew fat on pork products.
Joy's mum tried to make a living as a pig farmer but it was difficult, most of the other villagers were vegetarians and didn't like pork and whenever her mum tried growing vegetables in the field the pigs ate them. Times were hard.
One day Joy's mum gave her the last of their money and asked her to go to the market to buy vegetables so that they could invite some neighbours round for supper.
On her way to the market Joy met a man leading a cow. The man with the cow asked her where she was going and when she informed him of her errand he said: 'Look no further young lady, I have just the thing for you.'
Come off it said Joy. If you think I am going to buy a few beans from you you are mistaken! The man with the cow explained that he had just traded his last few magic beans for the cow with a young lad called Jack but that he had the answer to all her problems.
He pulled from a sack a cage, in the cage was a small brown mouse.
I could spend an age describing the haggling that took place but you've heard it all before… Joy walked home with the mouse who she decided to name Regret.
Joy's mum was, of course, mightily pissed off and sent the girl to bed without supper… No hardship to Joy who was fed up with her daily intake of pork products.
The following morning Joy rose early and went down to her chores. she was surprised to find that all the pig scraps lying around the kitchen had been cleared up and that there was a pile of brown rice on the table. She scooped the rice into a bowl before going out to feed the pigs. The mouse slept in his cage in the corner.
When Joys mum arose she showed her the rice and declared that there was enough for a proper banquet for all their vegetarian friends.
The banquet of course was a success, a mound of steaming brown rice infused with herbs from the hedgerows and vegetables borrowed from neighbouring gardens had all of the guests singing its praises. The brown rice had a flavour previously unknown to them. It was magnificent. It was heaven.
By the end of the evening each of the guests has put in an order for brown rice which Joy's mum accepted while secretly wondering where it was going to come from. She need not have worried for the following morning there was a mound of brown rice waiting on the table.
Over the following weeks Joy and her mum discovered that the more pork they left in the kitchen the more brown rice appeared on the table the following day.
They made a lot of money from selling that brown rice to the village vegetarians and lived happily ever after apart from one small glitch when the inspector from the ministry of food tested the rice and declared it 98 percent pork and 2 percent mouse spit but by then it was too late, the village rabbi had already koshered it as fit for vegetarians.
And the mouse… Joy changed it's name from Regret to Regretta who lived long, fondly watching over her burgeoning family shitting on the kitchen table as it grew fat on pork products.
Saturday, 22 February 2014
The eyes of Jarvis Trench.
I was early. Mrs Trench answered the door in a flustered state but ushered me inside and led me to the living room. “You will have to excuse me,” she said. “You are early and it is time for my therapy but it won’t take long. Can I get you a cup of tea?”
The filth that surrounded her encouraged me to decline the offer. “No thank you,” I said.
She offered me a chair. I sat and looked about the room. It was littered with orange coloured objects I first took for balloons. I soon realised they were football bladders. There were perhaps 20 of them; each one sported a number of puncture repair patches. The patches on each bladder occupied positions on the same latitude. If they had been globes I would have estimated that they were on a line occupied by Stockholm. The patches circled the bladders. There were a number of deflated footballs, the old fashioned ‘lace up’ variety, and two or three repair kits. A professional-looking pump stood beside the chair she sat down in.
She offered me a chair. I sat and looked about the room. It was littered with orange coloured objects I first took for balloons. I soon realised they were football bladders. There were perhaps 20 of them; each one sported a number of puncture repair patches. The patches on each bladder occupied positions on the same latitude. If they had been globes I would have estimated that they were on a line occupied by Stockholm. The patches circled the bladders. There were a number of deflated footballs, the old fashioned ‘lace up’ variety, and two or three repair kits. A professional-looking pump stood beside the chair she sat down in.
“Won’t take long,” she repeated as she took up one of the footballs and a bladder. There was an image painted on the ball but I was unable to make it out. She slowly and carefully fed the bladder into the ball, took the nozzle of the pump and inserted it into the bladder. With her right hand she worked the pump while steadying the ball with her left and her knees. As the ball inflated I saw that the leather was painted with a likeness of a man. He had bright blue eyes. She looked at me as the ball became tight and said, “I used to do the lacing once but don’t feel the need anymore.”
Gripping the ball between her thighs she took up two long needles then carefully and simultaneously forced a spike into each pupil.
As the needles entered she intoned the words: What are you looking at now, Jarvis Trench?
She then removed the weapons and laid the sighing ball on the floor beside the chair.
“The motorbike,” she said as she rose and I followed suit. “It is in the shed, it is not locked. Why don’t you go and take a look? It ain’t been used much. My husband only rode it to and from his camera club and he ain’t done that since the day he left his darkroom unlocked.”
Thursday, 13 February 2014
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