Advice to the broken hearted.

My old friend Rusty McGlint dropped by today for a cup of tea and by the look on his face, to share some misery and no doubt some tale of a picaresque nature.

'What's up rusty'? I asked. Rusty then told me.

                                 Rusty McGlint


'It's like this. It turns out that Lula Mae has been lying all along and then some. she has been selling me snake oil from the day we met and I have been buying it. I got a cupboard full of snake oil but I ain't got it in me to sell it on so I guess I'm stuck with it.  On top of that she is a bigamist; got a husband in every state and three in Alaska (on account of the cold nights she tells me), and our marriage is as illegal as the next man's and a damn sight uglier. On top of that she has turned into her mother and her mother is a woman I never could take a liking to (even after twenty ounces of bourbon on a stormy night). When I pointed out to Lula Mae that she was caught out with her lying and all she took against me in a most vicious way.'

Rusty oh Rusty! Rule one: Never confront a lying woman with the evidence of her lies, it is fatal and the cause of more domestic strife and murder than the rest put together.

Rule two: All women become their mothers, Oscar Wilde pointed out that this was their tragedy. The best plan when you find a woman you get a hankering to afford some permanence in you life is to seek out the mother and marry her... At least you are Getting the reality from the get go. You ain't never going to get disappointment creeping in and spoiling Shangri la.

Rusty seemed pretty happy with that and poured himself another cup of tea.

The inanimate muse.

from now on I shall stick to the inanimate muse.

The other kind, the living kind are far too egocentric and predictably unpredictable. The other kind sees the artists canvas or the poets paper purely as a looking glass and a servant to her self perceived beauty. The poet must describe her with words of glowing colour, the artist must lay on strokes of lyrical brushwork. Both pandering to her vanity.

from now on I shall stick to the inanimate muse.

I shall be the one moving for a change and write truthfully about an object rooted to the spot as apposed to trying to make some sense and some poetry from a flighty creature darting about my room demanding insincere flattery dressed up as honesty.

From now on I shall stick to the inanimate muse.

I shall be the one to pack my bags when the moment suits and take my art elsewhere (to places where suffering only exists in the paintings on the walls or in old dusty books describing Circe or Calypso). Free from suffering for my art I shall luxuriate in the suffering of others at the hands of the animate muse.

Incredibly good video especially for cat lovers.

Spambeg and Spambegging. Or is that Spamburg?

Until told otherwise I  shall consider myself the inventer of these words.

Here is my favourite example:

Good day sir/madam

I am sorry to burg you,my name is Mr.John Galvani, I have a very urgent business
proposal worth(£15,500,000.00 Pounds Sterlings) from my new private offshore
bank (first trust bank). Please email me at(johngalvani@w.cn)for details

Best Regards,
Mr. John Galvani




I feel somewhat burged by this but will not be galvanised into action.

Become a successful writer overnight and lie your way to self delusion.

You are going to kick yourself for not doing this long ago... It is so easy.

Step one:  Log into www.peopleperhour.com, register, then post a fantastic profile of yourself remembering to include all of the characteristics you fantasize about having. Do not be shy; big yourself up.

Step two: Create email accounts in a number of  false names; two or three will do but if you ain't got anything better to do with your time then why not a dozen. Make sure there is some ethnic diversity in the names chosen (a couple of Jewish ones helps) and invent a short profile for each. Make sure that they are all in publishing or journalism. You can also mention these fabrications in your blog and your 'real' world for added authentication. A facebook account helps too. You can then message yourself regularly; birthday and Christmas greetings add a human touch and make you look genuine and popular.

You are writing fiction already. A great start.

Step three: Log onto www.peopleperhour.com then, using each of your invented characters, write yourself glowing testimonials. Try not to write them all on the same day though as that looks a little suspicious.

Here is an example: " brought her years of expertise in writing and natural flair and passion to this project to create a valuable sales and marketing tool for my company. Highly sought after freelancer, would recommend thoroughly and she made a daunting task seem easy and handled a tight remit and deadline with grace. "


Or how about this:  " is a tru pro, loves what she does and delivers excellent content, always on time."


Ok. you are done. Now go out there, cut and paste from anything that takes your fancy and pass it off as your own. When applying for jobs just refer people to your peopleperhour.com page and away you go.


You are now a successful writer.

The Idler Academy launch party and a Cow on good form.

Thursday evening saw the launch of the Idler Academy in Westbourne Park Road, W11.

Such was the size of the crowd attending the party that is was impossible to swing a cat, even in an idle manner. Characters not seen for many moons turned out to wish the venture success; I am not going to name-drop though (that would be far too uncouth). Absinthe flowed freely throughout the evening... Sensibly I avoided the stuff.

The Academy, a combination of bookshop, cafe and venue for edifying lectures is a welcome arrival in this little corner of West London which is a haven of calm midst the madness of  Portobello/Notting Hill.

Drinks were taken afterwards at the Cow next door (which stands exactly half way between my garret and the Academy) where, by happy chance, a good number of the local crowd had gathered to frighten off the tourists. Just like the old days.

Poly Styrene diagnosed with cancer.

X-ray Spex provided part of the soundtrack to my life in London in the late 70's.

Polly; a genuine eccentric has now been diagnosed with cancer... Let's pray that she can beat it.

Meanwhile:



Update. April 26th 2011.  Sadly Poly has lost her battle with cancer. She will be missed.

Cornish Pasties under threat from Alien imports.

A new Armada threatens the British despite EU protection.

I am hearing disturbing reports from my contacts in Cornwall of Spanish pastie bakery ships, masquerading as trawlers, massing off the coast. Apparently they have found a loophole in the EU law protecting the Cornish Pasty and are able to freely and legally call their products'Cornish Pasties' as they are manufactured within British territorial waters. These ' Cadiz Pasties' are being snuck ashore at night (using ages old smugglers tunnels) and transported to bakeries and shops throughout Britain.

If this were not bad enough I am reliably informed that these Spanish monstrosities not only contain shards of carrot but are crimped along the top.

Enough is enough! The theft of our pilchards by those Spanish blighters for the illegal Stargazey pie industry should have been a warning to us all.

time to fight back... Time to flood Andalucia with Paella made with basmati rice and Arbroath smokies.

A new theatre in Notting Hill.

I'm losing my edge. Or just not noticing what's going on any more!

A new small theatre has opened on Hereford Road W2 in an old print works; giving rise to the name the print room. I noticed it on my way back from Westbourne Grove, poked my head in the door and was greeted warmly and invited in to have a look round.

It is neither a conventional theatre nor large (seating 80) but it is just what we need; Notting Hill, for all its bohemian strutting, is criminally short of venues such as this. It has the feel of a place that has passionate people behind it; again something that the area is short of.

Currently 'Snake in the grass' by Alan Ayckbourn is playing.

Good news indeed... Let's go!

www.the-print-room.org

Original Grayson Perry doodle.

There is a Grayson Perry doodle for sale on ebay: http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Original-artwork-Grayson-Perry-Artist-Turner-Prize-/290533005630?pt=UK_art_drawings_GL&hash=item43a51dd93e#ht_723wt_1139

Royal Wedding sick bags.

I found this on the interweb at: http://www.lydialeith.com/

Available to buy at: http://lydialeith.bigcartel.com/

The Idler Academy coming to Westbourne Park Road.

The Idler is to open its academy http://idler.co.uk/academy/ on Westbourne Park Road on March 1st. Handy for me it is but a 30 second idle stroll from my front door.

Beckham, Mubarak and beer.

OK.  I waited well past 8.00 O Clock for Mubarak to speak... I was aiming for the Cow and a well earned beer but the Egyptian kept me waiting only to hear that he ain't going so I head to the pub...

Only to find David Beckham hogging the seat by the fire.

Surely both Beckham and Mubarak can afford their own fires and leave the Cow fire to the locals.

I like a chat at the bar with the locals normally but when I am confronted with dull stares over Egypt but animated enthusiasm over a past it footballers I worry.

I worry.